After El: Your Typical Heroes
by ShadisticArchdevil
Summary: Eight El-Heroes, 9 Epic NPCs, Multiple House Rules, a Math Teacher, and everyone's favorite thruster in existence! Combine that with NO PLOT, lots of Fanservice, and you will have one helluva time interacting with this comedy fic! Rated M for Crude Humor.


_(So I've been meaning to do a comedy fiction with small plots here and there. Not so much crack, but comedy with JUST the Elgang and NPCs, (think along the lines of Not Just a Dream Chapter 1) so here it is, oh yeah, say hi Fire_

_Fire: I don't belong here, he forced me._

_Shush, you know you're going to have fun with this also. Just. Like. LNE. 'cept I didn't think of this idea in the shower xD)_

_Italic - Authors_

Normal - Story Text

**Bold - Sound Effects and etc.**

_~Classes~_

_**Elsword - Lord (Boner) Knight (19)**_

_**Aisha - Void Princess (Seductress) (20)**_

_**Rena - Night Watcher (Skills not Included) (23)**_

_**Raven - Veteran Commander (Fabulous Birdie Commander) (24)**_

_**Eve - Code Battle Seraph (So much pewpewpew) (20)**_

_**Chung Seiker - Tactical Trooper (Haremist) (19)**_

_**Ara Haan - Yama Raja (AKA Fanservice) (21)**_

_**Elsa - Blazing Heart (Sister Fanservice) (21)**_

_**Add - Math Teacher (Can Divide By Zero) (20)**_

_~NPCs~_

_**Aren - Infinity Sword (22)**_

_**Speka - Dimension Witch (Bish) (20)**_

_**Noah - Elemental Master (20)**_

_**Lime - Wind Sneaker (Gives amazing footjobs) (23)**_

_**Amelia - Grand Archer (Out of all the people she could've chosen, Valak why)(23)**_

_**Edan - Blade Master (Has to deal with his annoying twin brother) (24)**_

_**Lacher - Iron Paladin (Princess) (19)**_

_**Vixon - Deadly Chaser (Messenger) (20)**_

_**Apple - Code Empress (Innocent…?) (18)**_

_**Proto - Code Nemesis (Don't take shit from anybody) (23)**_

_**AND OF COURSE. EVERYONE'S FAVORITE:**_

_**Valak - Reckless Fish (Thruster) (24)**_

_**After El: Your Typical Heroes**_

_**By: ShadisticArchdevil and MarioFireRed**_

_**Chapter 1: Introduction to the Elgang**_

**~Raven's POV~**

Oh hello there. I'm just combing my fabulous hair in this fabulous red bathroom I have in the fabulous House of El. You see, all of the Elgang and NPCs live together here after we took back El. We each have our own rooms, but the bathhouse is public, so I'll just let you know, stay away from Valak's end. We've got a massive mansion that has a foyer, dining room, kitchen, man-cave, and all the other necessary things for us to live happily. Things are going smoothly, so why don't you sit down with a cup of tea and join me on our new daily lives. Anywho, my day's about to start, so I'll give you the basic house rules.

**1. Keep everything clean** - This includes all of the equipment and materials, especially the Eve laboratory, cause God save us all if you do anything to her inventions. This includes you Add -evil glare-.

**2. No adultery behavior publicly** - GOD DAMNIT VALAK NOW'S NOT THE TIME I'M TELLING PEOPLE THE THINGS THAT YOU SHOULDN'T DO! YOU'RE SETTING A BAD EXAMPLE- -static- Ahem, This is to enforce the first rule, unless you happen to use protection. You see some of us are in relationships and some of us aren't, if you want to start having children at a young age be my guest. But for the love of god keep it quiet that I can sleep through the night. This fabulous commander needs his beauty sleep damn it.

**3. If you see a stray bat/crow, punch it's wings** - Don't ask. Don't judge. If you want to live, just do it.

**3A. DON'T PUNCH ANGKOR OR SEVERUS (My Personal Crow) **- I'll get Valak on your ass, literally.

**4. Be respectful of other people's traditions and belongings** - We're a very diverse group in various different ways and naturally we have things we don't want to come to light. As for the belongings, it's only natural for you to keep your hands to yourself. This definitely includes you Angkor, stop eating Severus' lunch! -shoes Angkor away to his owner-.

**5. Don't decorate Vixon for Christmas **- Let me tell you something, Vixon isn't a god damn reindeer. He'll Ballista the house down, cause he's done it before. It tooks us literally half a year to build it back from scratch.

**6. Don't ever question Proto's decisions **- Whatever she says, goes. She has the most authority over us that Eve, Edan, and even Aren ever doubt anything she puts her mind on.

**7. Don't leave Lacher and Valak alone together** - Just don't.

**8. Never interrupt Aisha when she's in the bathroom **- Despite my previous rule, not even Proto disturbs this Void Princess during her private time. According to a few rumors, the reason Ara became a Yama Raja is that she accidentally stumbled upon her and was forced into a contract with Angkor. Hence why women, especially ones with the occult, are the absolute scariest monsters in Elrios.

**9. Don't tease the Chicken Knight **- WHOOPS DID I JUST SAY THAT OUT LOUD. I meant to say Elsword. He's gotten a bit tense, so ease off a bit, m'kay? THAT INCLUDES YOU ELSA!

**10. When Echo visits, get Chung pronto - **-sniff- Our little boy grows up so fast…

**11. If Rena ever smiles after asking you something very politely, do it. **- Got a death wish? Ignore this statement. Other symptoms of Rena's anger include :Black Aura, Innocent Devil look, small Archangel wings/Halo, a knee to your little El, etc.

**12. Do not ask Valak for his secret stash** - Edan did this once and warned us against it. I can remember HIM of all people rocking cowardly in bed all night for a full month. No one's seen it but Edan and his brother, so let's keep it that way, okay?

**0. Don't divide by it: **It's Add's only useful purpose for us honestly.

So those are the basics. Follow them, and there's a 99% chance nothing bad will happen to you. Unless you happen to be a good little girl like Apple and "innocently sparkle" your way as a perfectly harmless Code Empress. Okay, so I'mma head down for breakfast after my private time, so go stalk someone else, will ya?

**~Elsword's POV~**

OH GOD RAVEN'S HERE! -Quickly chomps down the rest of his cereal- "H-Hey Raven! I just finished so I'll just be outside training!"

"Uh...sure-" I didn't bother hearing the rest, sprinting to the backyard with my sword in hand.

You see the reason I was in such a hurry was because I ate the last bowl of "Crow Flakes", his favorite cereal. If anything I'd be the last person to face him when finding out we ran out of the breakfast. Anyway I'm the badass Elsword! I just get by training and performing daily missions outside Velder to pay the ren-

**-EXPLOSION-**

I think either Raven found out his cereal's gone, considering the kitchen is ablaze, or Chung's training with Lacher and Vixon aga- oh wait it IS Raven…

Time to get those missions extra early today! -Sprints towards the Velder Clocktower Square-

**~Proto's POV~**

"WHO THE HELL DISTURBS MY SLEEP!" I yelled to those commoners awake so early in the morning. Rising out of my bed, my Apple pajamas (don't judge and I won't castrate you) slightly visible, my sensors indicate smoke bellowing within the house as my "nose" picks up the smell of burning wood.

"Proto, the kitchen's on fire!" I heard the pathetic Add yell as he ran in circles until he hit the pole in the middle of my bedroom.

"YOU LITTLE-" Tch, he passed out. At least he won't see me in my, dare I say it, DARE I FREAKING SAY IT, "cute" pajamas (A women likes her baby Nasods okay?). I snatched him up by the hair and kicked down the door. "PEASANTS WAKE UP! THE KITCHEN'S ON FIRE!"

"WHAT?!" Immediately a figure covered by the dense gunpowder (yes Raven REALLY loved that cereal to create that much) sprinted downstairs, leading the others towards the kitchen.

**~Chung, Lacher and Vixon 3rd Person POV~**

"GUYS WAIT! DO YOU SEE THAT RED STUFF?!"

"YOU MEAN ELSWORD'S FABULOUS HAIR?! Oh wait...he's not an IS…-sob-"

"NO! THE HOUSE, ACTUALLY PART OF IT, IS ON FIRE!"

"HOLY BAJEEBUS GOD ALMIGHTY HELP US ALL!"

"For the love of Helputt. Calm down and let's go check it out before you get your man panties in a bundle, Lacher."

_Dammit how did he know? _The insecure Iron Paladin quietly thought to himself.

"C'mon! To the kitchen!" Chung led the two, and everybody else, towards the kitchen (ironically it's the BOYS going there).

**~Edan's POV~**

Hmmm. The smell of smoke. Oh man, the only two pyromaniacs we have are Raven and Elsa, and Elsa can't create smoke. Jeez, you try to live a life with as a possessed blade master and this is what you gotta deal with the whole day. Shenanigans.

I ran over to the kitchen, quickly pulling a shirt on, only to spot an angered Raven shooting crows everywhere at the pantry. Oh great, who ate the Crow Flakes. At least my Bloody Mini Wheats are okay...WAIT NO NOT THE BLOODY MINI WHEATS! THAT CROW MASTER IS GONNA PAY!

"Hey Raven? C'mere…"

"NO! RAVEN ANGRY! RAVEN HUNGRY!"

"Shut your Mercenary Trap, why'd you burn my cereal."

"I burned your cereal?"

"Yeah...and we BOTH know the price"

I pulled out my blade and silently casted the Blood Spell onto it.

"I'M SORRY EDAN! FORGIVE ME I DON'T WANNA DIEEEEE!"

**~Aisha and Speka and Noah's 3rd Person POV~**

The two girls were the next to arrive at the scene. However what they saw was a burning kitchen, a pissed off Edan, and a begging Raven on his knees (with just some shorts and no shirt on mind you) in front of Edan. It took the two extreme self-control from fangirling to correctly assess the situation.

"What's going on here?" Aisha questioned the two dark-haired men, as Speka (very visibly) commanded Noah, the third one to arrive, to douse the flames with her ice magic using a Warped Time whip.

"W-Well you see."

"THIS CROW FLAKES EATING COMMANDER BURNED THE LAST OF THE BLOODY MINI WHEATS! YOU KNOW HOW WE GET WITHOUT OUR CERE-"

**-SMACK- -SMACK-**

"Raven and Edan, eat some Snickers. You guys aren't you when you are hungry." The Void Princess mocked as the last of the ice balls doused the flames (and even brought the furniture to its former state), grinning to the two men on the floor holding their heads in pain. "Now…" Her eyes gleamed as a vicious aura radiated off of her. "...What do you say?"

"WE'RE SORRY! WE'RE SORRY!"

"That's more like it." Speka wiped sweat from her forehead from all the screaming orders she yelled at Noah. "Anyway now we should just get on our day like normal, including buying the new cereal of course." She wrapped up the "fiery" business as everyone else gathered around the five.

**~Rena's POV~**

Ahhh, what a beautiful morning~ I wonder what the others are up to?

"GUYS HURRY BEFORE RENA GETS HERE!"

"Huh? Why?"

"R-rena! Ehehe, no reason! Y-you should go shower before eating, you know!"

"Awww, but I wanted to cook breakfast today!"

Why are they acting so strange? Oh well. I walked past Raven, who was desperately trying to block me. What I saw next, I was definitely not expecting, especially this early in the day. My beautiful Green kitchen was now black and a lot of things were scented with smoke. Ha. Haha. HAHAHA.

"Who did this?" I asked innocently.

Everyone pointed at Raven.

"NO PLEASE RENA! ANYTHING BUT THE SLAVERY!"

"Bend over."

"RULE 2! RULE 11! RULE 2! RULE 11!"

"Relax Edan, he's only getting a belt whipped at him."

"First my cereal and now my anus. What else is going to be dead this early?"

Oh yes. He's shirtless already. Sometimes his scars make me feel bad, but then I remember he ruined my kitchen. Yeah, sorry about this Raven, but it'll teach you to not go into rage whenever you don't get what you want.

**-WHIP- -WHIP-**

Props to Proto for giving me her old Explosion Impact whip and letting me use it on misbehaving children in this house. Sheesh. Well, everyone's cleaning up, so I'll just forgive him this one time. But I swear we bought Raven his cereal just the other day. Oh well, we'll figure it out later…

**~Elsa's POV~**

...Well that escalated quickly. All I heard is Edan shouting "RULE 2! RULE 11!" followed by a bunch of whiplashes and Rena laughing maniacally and Raven crying.

But I digress, that problem's way out of my hands. I should get going to the Square and- wait what the El? Where's Elsword? That little idiot brother of mine couldn't stop turning around in his bed all night ever since I promised him we'd go on the SSS rank missions together. Oh well time to ask around.

"Hey Aren have you seen Elsword around here?"

"No, and while you're at it get him away from my innocent sister Ara, baby."

"Erm...okay then."

Awkward boyfriends are awkward indeed.

Suddenly I hear faint whispers of "Rule 2!" coming from Edan again. Rule forcing little prick.

"Yo Apple did you happen to find Elsword pass by you recently?"

"N-No...but maybe Raven knows, he said that he's the one who ate the last Crow Flakes."

Ah so that's why he's not here.

"So Raven, where did Elsword-"

"DON'T MENTION THAT CHICKEN KNIGHT'S NAME! HE CAUSED ALL OF THIS!"

"RULE 9! DANG IT RAVEN! Um...so did he go to-" Wow, I felt a bit hypocritical since I just trashed Edan for rule enforcing. Once again, I digress.

"DON'T JUDGE ME!" And this is where I cue the X-Rank Mercenary going to his room leaving a trail of tears behind.

Anyway he probably left to the Square early today. About time my little brother took the initiative rather than following behind, maybe today's the day I'll finally teach him to be the dominant one in his relationship with that Aisha magician… not that the Void Princess would ever settle for being submissive. I climbed to the top of the house on the roof and took the shortest way to the Clocktower Square possible: Leap from the house to the Mission Board 5 miles away.

I can't even describe how exhilarating it is, going all "TERIAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" As I performed a Leap of Faith towards the little red dot standing smack dab at the center, and ending up landing on his hair, which, despite being spiky, is actually really soft.

"Looks like you came here early Elsword." I smirked on top of him, the others around us acting without change of expression. Usual, as I do this everyday minus the landing on Elsword part.

"D-Dammit Sis...you're...not a cat…" He actually managed to sustain my weight and got up and picked up his sword.

"Funny? I remember you being Aisha's "mount" all the ti-"

"THAT TIME IS DIFFERENT!"

"Yeah whatever." I ended the argument victoriously and awaited the new missions.

**~Amelia and Lime 3rd Person POV~**

"Airelinna!" Lime the Wind Sneaker NPC summoned a petite blue fairy who sparkled fairy dust over the burnt kitchen. In no time at all the magical substance recreated the kitchen anew, even saving Edan's Bloody Mini Wheats. "Phew that oughta do it!" She thanked her Nymph as the creature faded away and turned her attention to Amelia.

"How did…" The Grand Archer stood there baffled at the sight (though thankful that now the Blood Colonel has no need to kill Raven), spending several moments contemplating what just happened.

**-several unnecessary minutes spent describing the situation as exaggerated as possible, mostly because of Add's overdramatic poses-**

Finally grasping the situation...the two went on with their normal day. Amelia goes to the garden and tends to the plants with her Nature's Spirit. Lime on the other hand goes out to the grocery store and buys some groceries (What else would she do? Save the world?).

**-Valak's POV- (Yes, it's finally time to end this perfectly)**

IT'S A GOOD MORNING FOR FISTING- Oh, visitors? Great! I suppose Raven's shown you around the house? That's perfect, so now I can go and do my business. Care to join me? Alright, let's go, but I warn you, if things get hectic, take this.

**-He hands you a pineapple-**

Throw this at me when I get crazy. Okay, that's that, let's go!

**Scene 1: To Amelia in the back (More like from the back)**

"Hey Amelia! Whatcha doin' babe?"

"Oh, good morning Valak! You look rested!"

"Well, if I wasn't you know this sexy hunk of a man wouldn't look as good as he normally would"

**-cue Valak doing manly poses-**

"That's great sweetie, now help me tend to the pants, no lighting them on fire, okay?"

"Yes Ma'am!"

I saluted to Amelia and proceed to make it easier for her to tend to the article of clothing she specified.

**-SMACK-**

"W-What was that sound- oh it's Valak again…"

"DON'T JUST SIGH! AND YOU! I SAID THROW IT AT ME WHEN I GET CRAZY, NOT WHEN I ACT NORMALLY!"

Okay never mind, here hold this watermelon. Now be sure to throw it whenever I act cra- DON'T THROW IT AT ME NOW!

**-static-**

Okay now we're here just outside Proto's room. What happens in there and what happens to us stays inside the room alright? Good? Now it's go time!

"Yo Proto what's up?"

"VALAK!? DAMMIT GET OUT THIS IS THE THIRD TIME THIS WEEK!"

"But you're naked. And I can get naked. So we can have fun times!"

"RULE TWO! I COMMENCE THE KICKING-"

"We're not in public~"

"KICKING COMMENCE!"

**-BOOM- **

Ow ow my butt...at least someone as sexy as Proto did i-

"I CAN READ YOUR THOUGHTS IDIOT!"

"OH SHI-"

**-static-**

So I'm going to go stalk Elsword and Elsa now and make sure they don't have fun times without me. I know, Rule 2, but Edan is just a brother. Not like I gotta listen to him or anythin- OH HERE THEY COME!

-jumps into bush-

Okay so my goal is to kiss Elsa and **-censored- **Elsword. (Can't rule 2 me now bitches)

"Well, Elsa -huff-, is that all for -huff- today?"

"Yeah, we should head home, the others are probably waiting."

"With what, food?"

OH THEY'RE WALKING RIGHT NEXT TO ME! HERE I GO-

**-smack-**

"Uhhh, Hey Valak, why is there a broken Watermelon on your head." Elsa asked, not catching you on her sight.

"Don't ask questions, JUST BRING ME THE MEDIC -faints-"

"Well then, Elsa, I call dibs on not picking him up." Elsword piped up.

"THAT'S NOT FAIR! I DIDN'T EVEN-" She starts to blush.

"-glare-"

"Fine…."

So yeah, I'll be taking over for now. Elsword, The Lord Knight, grandest of all swordsme- is that a camera?

_-Whoops that's all the time for today Elsword! You and your chickeny way-_

"RULE 9 DAMMIT!"

_Yeah shut up, we're the authors, be happy you didn't take Valak home cause I heard Aren got jealous and now Add and him are punching Valak in the backyard, along with Edan for disobeying Rule 2 and Raven cause indirectly causing the death of Crow Flakes, and Amelia for Proto's "incident"._

"Is this even legal? Oh...it isn't legal according to these rules...so I guess I'll have to…"

"ARMAGEDDEON BLADE!"

_OH CRAP! MARIO RUN!_

** has stopped working-**


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